Do you see me?

Another week passes... all too quickly that bit of time is now gone. It has been a difficult week, it has been a week of pride, it has had all the usual challenges that seem to occur regularly around here. Fantu started the week very moody, it continued into mid-week. That bit of moodiness I could attribute to P.M.S. (poor thing). Today her moodiness was because of nerves. Some girls get giddy with excitement when faced with a new social situation, tonight was the 8th Grade Formal Dance, Fantu tends to get a bit cranky when in these situations. She was never prepared for any thing like this in Ethiopia. It is something since coming here that she frets over and prepares for, well... for months. Her nerves take over and she struggles to deal with theses emotions she was never prepared for. I am in her path as she struggles. I went to work on the rent house as the new tenant hopes to move in in a few short weeks, I had a list of things I wanted to get accomplished over there today. I had to replace a broken window, replace broken and missing tile in the kitchen/laundry room. I had 2 new light fixtures to replace and had to replace the doorknobs as the keys to the existing ones hadn't all been returned. I was getting phone calls from her every few minutes and in between she'd text. How could I get anything work done. She asked to go to her friends house early, No, I finally had to tell her to stop calling and texting as I could'nt get anything done and I would never return back to the house to take her to Ayanna's. She eased off a bit. I got some of the projects finished, others will wait until tomorrow. I got her to her friends house with plenty of time to get ready. Her and Ayanna were beautiful. I hope it is a night she will remember. See pictures in the previous blog. Abate this week has been sullen. He did not qualify for the regional track meet. His friend Elmer got to go as an alternate for the 4x400. He took it hard. It was a difficult year as he was a Freshman competing on Varsity teams. While he is a stellar athlete, he is not yet at the same level that a Jr. or Sr. athlete would be . He has become disheartened, frustrated, and depressed. He has declared he will not do any sports this next year. He is quitting it all. I have told him I think he is making the biggest mistake in his life. How could he walk away from the one thing that brings him so much joy and pleasure. If he insists on taking this path I have told him that there will be no excuse for anything less that straight A's on his report card. I know he is well able to achieve that without the distraction of his athletic schedule. STRAIGHT A'S. I will expect it. I will insist. If he will not be practicing sports after school, then he will be studying. I do not think I am being unfair. He is an extremely intelligent boy. He has proven that to us in the last 3 years. I am hopeful that with a few weeks to mull this over he will figure this out and do what is best. I am crushed that he wants to quit Cross country and track. Watching him run gives me so much pleasure. Soccer – well he is so talented, he has inspired so many others to play it in high school. I wish I could figure out why he suddenly wants to turn his back on all this. What is going on? I am baffled. My Mom continues to improve. She struggled this week as she felt abandoned. I had a busy schedule and was only able to stop by one evening. She didn't have a phone call this week from my eldest sister as she is away on holiday with her family. My other sister is well....*&$*%#@#. Words I cannot say. She was to come visit my Mom on Easter weekend – the weekend mom fell and went into the hospital. She never showed. She has never called since, she has not driven the 70 miles to come visit. My mom continues to ask if I have heard anything. No, I do not and will not talk to her. I have very strong opinions about her, trust me – it's all negative. I have never been able to figure out how she fit into my family. She is not anything like me or my other siblings. It is almost as though she were a infant left on the doorstep that they took in. How can she be so thoughtless not to call and talk to her mother during these sad and trying days that she has faced as she adjusts to this near final stage in her life. I am dumbfounded. I am overwhelmed as I now realize that I will be the one and only to help my mom during these days, weeks months and even years as her life and legacy draw to a close. I know I am able for it. I have faced far worse challenges in my life. I really would have preferred to have the family on board to help me and my Mother through these final years. While all of us have faced tragic loss and challenging times, none no worse than the others, I often wonder why I am left to carry this burden so heavily. It is a weight I carry around. Guilt when I cannot be there eery moment she needs me. Guilt that I have had to have her hire a person to help her out over these past 4 years so I could try to live a life that I I wanted. A life that included the addition of my two Ethiopian children. Guilt that I had to decide that now was the time to place her in a nursing home. It was a decision that for years I knew I would have to be the one to make. I would have to be the bad guy. But am I? Once again I am having one of those moments when I feel totally inadequate. I look at myself and I see the insecurities and weaknesses that I face daily. I also struggle with other peoples perceptions of me. What do you see when you see me?