This June 25 will be ten years since my son Trevor died in a motorcycle accident. In recent years I pause on the day, go visit his memorial, and reflect on his life and his absence in our lives since. But this year I feel a black hole opening up inside me. I find myself often in tears. There is a depth to my pain I haven't felt in years. A decade has passed. From this loss I found new strength and new purpose to chase my dreams. I have done things that I otherwise would have never pursued. From my loss I ventured out determined to find joy in what I had, and to find new joy... but I still have suffered that loss, it does not lessen it, it does not go away.
The following blog is a journal of my feelings, my thoughts, reflections and pain as I have passed through this month.
June 6th, 2012
It is June. It is a month that I don't look forward to. Summer heat, kids home from school, yet I'm sitting at work day after day. I sit dreaming of our trip in July hoping that it will be here very quickly, but yet I still have another 5 weeks to wait. But this June is one that I just want to skip. I have been feeling the sadness already begin to engulf me. I find I am often choking back the tears. The emptiness that swallowed me up ten years ago is threatening to pull me in once again. I begin to write this now weeks before the 25th. I don't know if at that time I will be able to put what I feel into words. Will I bury all the emotion deep within as I have done in the past? Will life distract me from the emptiness? Maybe I can fill this void with all the love and joy that is in my life.
Ten Years...a decade, this was something I could not even imagine ten years ago, but at that time I could not even see the next day. The unimaginable happened.... my son Trevor was dead. Killed in an accident just days before his 21st birthday. Time stood still... I stopped breathing....I crumbled.
June 7th, 2012
Another day at work, I was tired, I was feeling very blue. It was a busy day, from the second I walked in the door it was chaos. I would have hoped that being busy would keep me distracted, but instead I just wanted to crawl into a hole and allow myself to be engulfed by the sadness and tiredness I felt. I struggled to stay on task. Every distraction annoyed me. I could hear the sadness and a unusual softness to my voice when I answered the phone. I knew I would not be able to hide my sorrow for the month ahead. I feel the black hole pulling me in. At the end of the day I talk to my boss, I tell her that I am struggling right now. I will continue to remind myself of all I have to be joyful for but right now I feel the loss of Trevor more than I have in many years. I may not always make it in to work, or I may have to leave for awhile. I just want her to know that this is hard right now but that it will pass, it is just another milestone to get past.
I will find the joy and love that got me through the worst days ten years ago, I will easily get through this month.
June 10th, 2012
I am feeling better,I had a good sleep last night - amazing what that can do. Yesterday Alan was looking for a song online to listen too. He found it and said this would be a good song for the 10th anniversary. 10th anniversary? I think aren't we celebrating 16 years this year? So I was like... 10? He's replies yes, Trevor. I immediately said oh no, don't need music or songs to put to this "anniversary". I just want to get through it without losing it. I don't really need a soundtrack, or any commemorative anything to recognize a decade without Trevor. My grief is personal, I keep it close within me. I am uncomfortable sharing it. I think it is because I know it is a pain that only a Mother that has lost a child understands... but even then every mother feels a unique pain that is as unique as her child. Yet I also know that those who love me feel pain when they see me hurt. They feel the need to help, to make it easier, to make it better. Maybe I should give them a chance. Who knows I might just feel better and they will feel like thay have helped. I'm not sure I can do it. I feel like I'd just be making everyone else sad and depressed. It is enough for me to be sad.
June 12th, 2012
I’ve been so busy at work this week I haven’t had the time to think much less dwell on the past. This week we have had a large Nursing Conference with over 400 school nurses in attendance. It is a bit of a high maintenance event.
This evening though and I’m not sure why I started thinking about our week in Ethiopia and all the wonderful kids I met there. I had such a wonderful time with so many of them. It was also one of the more difficult times I have ever faced. To explain why this is let me give you a bit of a back story here.
Alan and I knew from the start we wanted to adopt older kids, we would look at the kids that had been waiting the longest for a family. Our agency releases a video of these kids about every 3-6 months. Once our applications and homestudy were all in place we received the video and viewed it. It played for over an hour, 2 minute interviews with boys, girls, sibling sets of 2-5 children. Some of these kids were maybe 5 or 6 others were teens up to 16. We watched and watched it again. We saw so many children that made such a good impression on us. The realization that we could only pick one sibling set, one set of two. That would be all as this was something we would only do once. We knew in our hearts that two would be our limit, so that cute trio of brothers… no. Oh there’s a cute little boy on his own… no, he’s be so lonely and sad in our little town. What about that teenage girl? Such a sad story and she is so beautiful. She’s never been to school though and doesn’t speak a word of English. We just don’t have the resources in our area to give her the help she will need. So that’s it then, we narrowed it down to two sibling sets, which led us to being blessed with Abate and Fantu.
So now back to where I started. Can you imagine what it was like to spend a week with so many of these kids that you saw on the video but didn’t choose? So many of them ask you to please help find them a family, I said I would tell everyone about them. It is amazing how close you can get to them in just five days. By day four I was in tears at the thought of leaving. I understand now why so many people are drawn to this kind of work. It is so hard to walk away. You leave there knowing that some of these kids will never find a home. Some are aging out, new guidelines had recently gone in to place that banned the adoption to the USA of kids over 15. The orphanages would do what they can for them to get them prepared to make their way in the world, but they wouldn’t have a family there to see them through. My heart was breaking for these kids.
This first week were still nervously getting to know Abate and Fantu, we were so impressed with them and knew immediately we had made the right decision, we were so happy and excited to be taking them home. It was a very emotional time. The beautiful teenage girl I mentioned above, we met and were drawn together. She still didn’t speak any English, but we never needed words to communicate. On the Thursday afternoon I went with a group of kids to play soccer at the park. I ended up sitting in the shade and she joined me there. She lay with her head in my lap and we looked at a book she had. It was just such a nice moment spent with her. While we were there though we found out that she was one of the ones that had aged out, she was not eligible to be adopted. Such sadness knowing that there would not be a family lucky enough to have her join them. There were many more stories similar to hers, many more sweet kids we would leave waiting. That is why I cried that day, I cried on Friday when we were saying our good-byes. It was why I still shed tears when I think back. All these kids that have suffered so much loss.
June 13th, 2012
Earlier this evening Abate wanted to go practice his driving. I knew he hadn’t driven on any of the many country roads that surround our area so it was time for that lesson. His driving has really come along well. We headed west of town out the road towards where my Grandparents used to live in Levita. I hadn’t planned on us driving too far out but I’m only familiar with a few of the roads and we missed the turn for the first one I knew. So we continued on until we reached the turn for Ater. Ater was a small town once, now it is a few houses, an old schoolhouse that is used for meetings and community events and it is also the location of the Ater Cemetery. Generations of my family are buried there as are a small box containing a portion of my son’s ashes. We didn’t stop, we just drove on past. The drive was already much longer than anticipated.
As we drove I talked to Abate about why these types of roads are so dangerous. I told him of the many teens in our area that have died over the past 9 years on these types of roads. I would explain the mistakes they made and what he should do instead. He replies, “Mom. You’re scaring me.” You need to be scared, that way you will respect the dangers that exist on the road. As we returned to the highway I told him of a wreck that had happened the evening before, a friend of my bosses daughter had been injured and another teen boy killed. Again I explained how the wreck happened and how it could have been avoided. It happened at an intersection I turn at on my way to and from work. I have seen several accidents there and many more close calls. Cars gong straight across at that intersection have to cross 5 lanes - 4 of which have cars traveling at 60-65 mph. It is not something I would even attempt. I told him when faced with an intersection like that it is usually best to find another route. Take a right turn and drive up the road until you can find a safer place to turn.
We make it home safely. But I am terrified of him driving. I am terrified every time he gets in a car with a teenage driver. If the weather is looking bad I am on the phone telling them to stop and wait for it to pass. I jump whenever the phone rings. I cannot imagine if he were in a bad accident. It was the one thing that almost kept me from adopting. I know I cannot face a loss like that again.
June 21, 2012
It has been really busy this past week. It does make it easier as I really don’t have time to think or be sad. I must admit though I thought the other day about just going to my room and just letting myself get swallowed up in the emotion and sadness that I have been trying to keep at bay. But then I thought – why would I want to do that to myself, I’ve so much to do and so much of it is stuff that makes me happy.
My sister has been up and has been going through all the stuff up at my Mom’s house. Sorting and clearing and cleaning. There are literally 1000’s of photographs up there. Some are old slides packed away in boxes. Many more are prints in box after box after box, they never seem to stop. Then there are photo albums, not as numerous and mostly are well organized by time or subject. I sat for awhile on Monday evening going through a box of just miscellaneous pictures. They covered many decades, subjects, and locations. I came across pictures of my first three cars, a 1968 Chevy Malibu, my first new car a 1978 Olds Cutlass Supreme, and my first family car a 1982 Toyota Corolla Wagon. In that picture Trevor was a bit over a year old and was hanging out the window. There were Christmas pictures and many other family gatherings. It was at often times quite sad as so many of those people are no longer with us. It is so nice though to have these pictures to look at.
Later that evening Fantu and I were talking about family and how sometimes siblings are sometimes so opposite in both looks and personality. She then talked of her Mother and her Aunt and how different they were. She only knows her Mom from pictures. Fantu said she was kind of short with a curvy shape. She had long curly hair that Fantu said was beautiful. Fantu’s Aunt was tall and very thin with short curly hair, very different from her sister. At that point I was engulfed with sadness. There were pictures of her family that they don’t have. She has talked about a picture of Abate as a baby that she describes him as being just a rolly polly little boy. Pictures of her parents, which is all she had of them. Just a few pictures that are probably gone forever. I cried. I cried hard. Fantu had to comfort me. I was so sad for her and Abate… not one photo of their family that left them all too soon. While up at my parent’s house there are more than anyone knows what to do with. I have pictures of Trevor, newborn, toddler, school, teen, young adult. Pictures of him being serious, and those of him being crazy. I have enough that I will never forget how he looked at any of the stages in his life. Some of those pictures bring a smile to my face one day and a tear running down my cheek the next. Pictures so often are priceless.
June 23, 2012
If you read my previous blog - Memory Lane is filled with Pictures, well I just finished writing it. I wrote it just to reflect on how my life and memories were shaped in my early childhood. But I did not mention was how I often fought back tears as I came across picture after picture of Trevor. Newborn, first birthday, Easter, Christmases, family gatherings. There are portraits taken at various stages in his life and many funny candid shots. His childhood seems a lifetime ago. His death feels like 10 years. His absence from my life - just yesterday.
I have lived a life that I would never have predicted. so many circumstances beyond my will to shape. I have had many amazing adventures, and persued my dreams. I sometimes wonder how I have done so much in my 53 years.
These past ten years though I have kept on chasing my dreams, planing for a future that I hope to have well into my old age. But so many of the dreams I have attained, the path my life has taken have been formed by the death of my son. I have fulfilled some of my dreams only because Trevor died. It is my loss that took my life on a path that lead to me adopting Abate and Fantu. It is their tragic loss of their Mother, Father, Aunt and Uncle that lead them to Kidane Mehret. Tragic losses within our families that shaped this new family.
We are a family that finds much joy and laughter. We make new adventures and are creating new memories that we will share for many years to come. We are also a family with spirits keeping watch over us. I often feel their presence. We are also a family that feels loss. we all have our days where we feel it deeply. Tears are shed, sometimes anger surfaces as we struggle to understand, I don't think I ever will. I will struggle and shed many tears in the next few days as I deal with the reality that it has been ten years since that tragic day. Ten years since my life crumbled only to slowly rebuild itself to the person I am now. My life is stages, and i think these past ten years have been one of recovery, rebuilding, and finding new joy and purpose. I will try to look ahead and create a new stage in my life. What it will be, I do not yet know. I hope though to look forward to quieter times as I look to retire, and my youngest two head off to college. Where will we all be in 10 years?
June 24th, 2012
Ten years ago I imagine this was a night just like many others for Trevor. No bad omens, nothing to change his usual routine. He was driving to his girlfriends house just as he had for many months. Driving the same streets that he had driven hundreds of times. A dry warm summer night. This night was different. A truck and Trailer were parked in the road just beyond a curve. He saw the truck and swerved, but the trailer was wider than the truck. It clipped his motorcycle and he lost control. It was fast, it was instant. He barely had a scratch on him. Just like that he was gone.
I was in Ireland, we are 6 hours ahead. When this was happening I was on my way to work. I didn't sense anything. It was a normal day. I worked my full day and Alan and I drove home. It was only shortly after we arrived home that the phone rang. Alan answered it. He quickly went pale and stumbled for words... it was my Dad, he handed me the phone, Alan couldn't find the words. My Dad paused only briefly, “Trevor has been in an accident”, I quickly asked “ How badly injured was he?” Dad replied “ he died”. I felt like I crumbled, Alan said I screamed. It was the first time of many times in the coming months I would stop breathing because it hurt. Someone had reached into my chest and pulled everything out. I was empty except for the pain left behind.
The next hour I managed along with Alan to make flight arrangements for the next morning. He called our work, they were great. The following days were a blur, I'd cry until I was drained only to recover enough to cry again. It was a circle that repeated itself for days. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. Again and again I'd find myself not breathing, It became a pattern of having to remind myself to breath... it hurt.
His funeral was on the 29th. The day before his 21st birthday. It was packed. Standing room only. It wasa funeral to be remembered. We celebrated his life. We celebrated his friendships. We celebrated the mark he made on all our lives. There was laughter and tears. A mariachi sang one of Trevor's favorites – One Ton Tomato ( a parody of Guantanamera). The funeral was long as so many had a story to tell, I had hoped it would never end. It did and everyone soon departed. I stayed behind. I stood gazing at my son one final time, I could not walk away. ...I could not walk away. Alan had to convince me and lead me away. I never hurt so much in life as I did in those final moments as I turned away and left the chapel
We waited a few more days before flying home. We left Texas on July the 4th and arrived back in Ireland on July 5th, our 6th wedding anniversary.
Alan returned to work a few days ahead of me. He was able to answer questions and do what he could to make my return easier. The first day back was hard. That first year were filled with many firsts that made it a difficult year. I will say that those first few months I functioned on auto-pilot. I went through the movements of life that it demanded from me. There were many days I didn't function and would get sent home from work.
So how did I get through those hours, days, weeks, months, years and now one decade? In those first few hours I told myself – There is no why Trevor, why my son? Losses like this happen everyday to people from all walks of life. Life isn't perfect, it often sucks, but most of the time it is good. Some times life is great. I lost my son, it was tragic, it hurt, it still hurts. But I knew I had so much good in my life. I had great things to look forward to, I would be sure I would have great things to look forward to. I had a son, his name was Trevor. He brought more joy and laughter into my life that most people wouldn't have in a lifetime. He was my son for 20 years and 360 days. I was truly blessed. Tonight I cry because I miss him, I will celebrate all the memories tomorrow.
I love you, I miss you, I know the angels are laughing so much more these past ten years, Thank you for being my son.
Tomorrow June 25th I will not write about, I need to keep it inside me. I do not know yet how I will feel tomorrow. I may be ready to celebrate the life he lived, I may hide in bed and cry. I will probably go through the day like I have all the previous days, bury it, keep it close and personal. It is something I do not share easily. My grief is as unique to me as Trevor was unique as a person. I can talk about it and try to share how I felt. But you can never imagine ( I never did) just how crushing the reality is when you lose a child.
