Another year flies by...

New Years Eve, just hours away from 2013. How did we get here so quick. It just seems such a short time ago we were ringing in the millennium. Alan and I were still living in Ireland, we spent the evening at his parents place on the seafront in Blackrock. It was a perfect spot to see in a such a milestone in the passing of the years. So much has happened since, so much has happened in 2012.
Where were we this time a year ago?
Our two older daughters and Grandson were in Austin and they still are. Abate and Fantu are still here and are another year older and even more grown up. Elmer stayed over frequently but was still mostly just Abate's best friend. Elmer has now pretty much moved in. He does stay at his Mother's if he has to get up early for work as he doesn't want to wake us a 6 am on the weekends. Elmer though has become a part of our family. He is expected here for meals, we look out for him, we include him in family celebrations and are as proud of his accomplishments as if he were our own son. We have recently added his own storage in Abate's bedroom for his clothes. He is often referred to now as our son. He considers us his family. Elmer and Abate's friendship is one of those rare friendships that withstand all disagreements, frustrations and girlfriends. They cannot imagine ever being apart. They share a love of sports, x-box and eating everything in the house. I love the fact that Abate a Ethiopian, came to the USA and became best friends with the son of Mexican immigrants. That they formed such a unique friendship and bond.

Fantu had her challenges this year. She began the year with a major knee injury that led to knee surgery  at the end of January, she was on crutches for nearly two months. It also led to a diagnoses that showed the same condition in her other knee that ended up requiring surgery in September. Both surgeries were successful and she is now playing soccer with the Hornet girls JV squad. Fantu also started High School and is loving it. She does struggle in a few of her classes, but is passing them all so far. I have been so proud of all she has accomplished in her short time here. She struggled to speak english three years ago yet she has been able to be successful in school. She grows more beautiful each day and I'm sure has all the guys at school totally distracted from their schoolwork.

Abate has seen success and failure this year in competition from his many sports. He continues to improve and often amaze with his talent. He also has had struggles and disappointments that have taught him at times some hard lessons. He is a strong person and learns from them and becomes even more determined to improve. Abate is popular with both his fellow classmates and his teachers. When he puts his mind to it he can make  all A's and a few B's. He as let a few classes slip this year where he saw a few C's on his report card, this was during the Autumn when football and cross country took up so much of his time. IF you were to ask Abate what his biggest milestone was this year it would be that he turned 16, got his driving license and a car (Alan's old Toyota). He loves the freedom he has now and I swear he should just set himself up as Abate's taxi service as he is the on;y one in his group with a car. He will often get calls asking him to pick a friend up and drop them somewhere. I just love it as my driving around town here has been slashed to just the odd trip to the store. I must say though that I am almost always on edge though when he is out in his car. I don't expect I will ever not worry about him.

As for me it has been a year of ups and downs. Most of the year was much the same as always. I have tried to just take each day as it comes. There always seems to be so much going on that I just try to focus on the present and try to prepare for the next day. I know that some day that life will be quiet again. For now I will just do my best to take each day as it comes and take and savour the joy that these days bring.
July saw the passing of my Mom. She lived many years more than we ever imagined. Her passing has led to new challenges and responsibilities, it is something that most of us will eventually face (or have already faced) as we ourselves grow older. I do fell much older now, I did of course turn 54 yesterday - AUGH! Wasn't I just 35, 40, 45, how is it time speeds up with each passing year?

So as this year ends and a new one begins I think that is what has impacted my life the most. Time... how quickly it passes. The sadness and sorrow pass quickly as do the happy  times and busy times. Our vacation seemed brief, but the memories are timeless. I think what I feel most is that Abate and Fantu grew up too fast. I know they will be off to college independent adults before I can blink my eyes. I have today though. I have my family around me. A husband I love immensely, children that are adults and teenagers  that bring so much pride and happiness to me. While my life may not be perfect I wouldn't trade it for anything. I just wish the clock would slow down so it wouldn't pass by so quickly.
2013, I feel your presence bearing down ready to bring new challenges. I hope that this will be a year of joy and success. Before I know it I will be here again reflecting back on you and looking ahead to 2014.
Happy New Year!

What's so important...

I know what's important to me, and who is important to me. I think though that I sometimes forget to show them just how much they mean to me and instead I take them for granted. It is so easy to make excuses. Work, kids, school, sports,and the holidays all easily come to mind as being the big distractions, but they really shouldn't be. Maybe it's just laziness or that I think that they would know how much they mean to me, but I know that's just not the case. Now I've just got to do better. I can't create more time, you know that whole 24 hours in a day thing just can't be manipulated to suit little ol' me, so I've got to do more with what I have.

I think this is a problem faced by many parents. We get so caught up in our kids and their lives that they take over. Once you throw in work and home our spouses suffer. Kids demand a lot of attention. Demand? That can be an understatement at times, but my mind fails me to find a word that would reflect the amount of attention that they will at times require.

My kids,I love them all deeply. I love spending time with them. I love visiting my two older girls and watching them grow into beautiful confident women. The two still at home I love going to their games, meets, performances or often just sitting together at home watching telly or helping with homework. I am so proud of all they accomplish and the talent that they both possess. I also realize I put so much effort into my role as mother to Abate and Fantu as I don't want to let them down.

Kids grow up, they leave home and go off to college. Soon they will have careers and then form their own families. It is my job to teach them and prepare them to be successful adults. One of the best ways I can do that is to show them how to have a loving happy and successful relationship. If I neglect to show my husband that he matters the most to me in life, then soon he will feel as though he doesn't matter. So not only did I fail him, I failed my children. He will drift away, my kids will grow up and leave, and I would be all alone. I don't want to be alone. I cannot imagine being alone. I only see a future that includes growing old with Alan by my side. I love him.

Alan, I love you.

The joy of the season

November has come and gone, Thanksgiving dinner was devoured in minutes with very few leftovers, (teenage boys will do that). Football season which usually finishes up in November has bees extended into December... the stuff high school coaches and players dream of- to still be playing in December. We have had three nail biters and have finished on top to take us to the quarterfinals next Friday. Last nights game was one of the most stressful games to ever have watched. The Hornets never had the lead. We were tied or down by 6 or more points til the final minutes of the 4th quarter when we closed in and tied the game sending it to overtime. Monahans had the ball first and ended their drive going for a field goal - way to the right. The hornets turn, we carried the ball to the 20 yard line, 4th down and onto the field comes Sabastian (an outstanding kicker and great soccer player too) easy distance for him and yes he scored! 37-34 in OT and we were the 3a Div.1 Region 1 Champions. This next Friday we play Graham in Stephenville. I'm sure a tougher game that will probably bring on a heart attack or stroke.
Football dominating our weekends, our conversations, our lives. I love it. I went to a high school that was a football powerhouse, there was nothing like going all the way to the state playoff. TO go that far in the playoffs dominates everything right up to Christmas. The State Championship game is scheduled for December 21. But first we must beat Graham.
Soccer season is about to start. The first scrimmage game is December 28. Abate and Fantu are both playing this year, it will be a real juggling act to see both of them play. I haven't figured that one out yet and will probably just see how it goes from week to week. The Varsity boys should be amazing this year. Some great players returning and some good talent new to the team this year. I am so excited about it. We are still waiting for Fantu to hear if she will make Varsity or JV team. I'm thinking JV because of her knee surgery, but she has some real talent.
So in between football playoffs, soccer practices, work (which is fixing to go mad crazy busy for the next three weeks) I have manged to nearly complete the bedroom remodel. I've a few things to do in there tomorrow and then just finish moving all the finishing touches and stuff that still needs a place back into the room. I've still baseboards to complete but I've a feeling I will probably procrastinate until the winter doldrums set in and I get frustrated enough to do them. I hate trim outs. It is amazing the difference in there. So much storage, bright, clean yet cozy. I promise to post pictures soon.
Christmas shopping, decorating, and all the other things that make this such a joyful time of year have not been overlooked. Alan decorated the outside last week, I am waiting to decorate and put the tree up next weekend. Too many people and animals in the space for decorations to be up for weeks and weeks.Shopping is nearly complete, all I can say - thank god for the Internet and Amazon. I would never get anything bought if it weren't for this technological wonder.
So many joys this football season, upcoming soccer season, and of course this Christmas season.

Running out of time...

November 13, 2012.... where has the Autumn gone? Summer was just ending and the kids had just returned to school and now what seems like just weeks later winter is creeping in. Today was cool/cold and has turned overcast. I've been snuggled in my bed for a good bit of it feeling under the weather. I just wish I wasn't in the middle of my bedroom remodel so I could really relax in here. No telly yet, and lots of tools, and bits and pieces of Ikea furniture laying around waiting to be assembled. We did get the bed completed on Saturday so at least the mattress is up off the floor now. I also got the new window blinds and drapes installed yesterday which helps with the cozy factor.

So I guess I've some catching up to do here since I last posted. Lets see it was over six weeks ago, Fantu's knee surgery. Well she recovered at warp speed this time compared to last. She was off her crutches in a week and in four weeks she was doing light exercise and jogging. She has now returned to full athletics and is practicing soccer with the team hoping to make the Varsity team. She is loving High School and is doing really well in most of her classes.

Abate has had some ups and downs this autumn. Cross Country was the big one. He was placing in the top 10 and usually in the top 5 at all the meets. With 2 meets left before the district meet he pulled a tendon in his knee. So he had to miss the next 2 weeks of football, the next XC meet and workout daily with the trainer. It paid off though and he placed 3^rd in district (a very competitive one) and qualified for Regionals. We knew he had a shot at a top 10 finishers there which would have qualified him for State. This has been his goal all year, it was why he spent a week running in New Mexico.

The regional meet was held in Lubbock a 5+ hour drive. The XC team drove up on Friday, Fantu and I drove halfway Friday evening and completed the drive on Saturday. Abate was feeling very confident and he loved the course – it is one of the hardest courses in the state, I was really surprised he liked it.

The Region Gatesville is in this year is West and Northwest Texas, It covers a vast area with the towns spaced out miles apart. Ranches, farming, and oil and of course the latest boom Wind energy driving the economy. Affluent whites and immigrant hispanics make up most of the population. This was the first thing I noticed as the racers lined up. 150 runners,mostly white, a few hispanics and Abate and one runner from Burnet were the only two “black” boys running.

Abate got off to an excellent start and was in the pack of the top 20 runners, as the first mile turned to the second mile up around another hill and out of view Abate was in 15^th. They came back by and as they passed and headed into the final mile on this same loop in the course he was making his move and started to move up. They passed out of sight again. As the runners came back around Fantu and I counted....1...2...3..4...8...10.....15.....20... there he was, he was struggling, he was getting passed. Something had happened. Was it his knee? He ran past us towards the finish line, his face just expressed defeat, sadness. I dashed to the finish area to find him, to comfort him. When I got to him I got the story of what happened, another runner came up from behind him and purposely tripped him. He fell flat out forward, stunned he rushed to his feet and tried to see who had pushed him, too many runners were passing by, he hadn't a clue. No officials were watching that section of the course, how convenient for the other runner, I'm sure this was something he noticed on the first pass. Was Abate targeted or was it just by chance he was the closest runner in front of this kid? Did he only bother taking abate down because of his small size or the color of his skin? I hate to think it is the latter but I feel that this was probably why. This part of Texas seems to be stuck in the ways of the past. I would love to have known who was filled with such low esteem that they had to crush my sons dream in those few seconds. Abate was crushed, he cried the rest of the weekend. He knew he would've finished in the top 10 – another runner from our district that Abate was leading at the time, and Abate has defeated several times this year placed 10^th.

Abate will be back next year even more determined to be faster and stronger. He won't have to worry about getting tripped next year because he plans on being so far in front no one can touch him.

In the final count he placed 27^th, not bad out of 150 racers.

Football – Abate had a great season except for the two games he had to sit out with his tendonitis. He only missed one extra point and one field goal. In the final game they played undefeated Liberty Hill and beat them by two points, that's because Abate made all 3 extra points and Liberty hill missed 2. Abate will be the Kicker for the Varsity team next year, who by the way won District this year and are in the playoffs. Go Hornets!

So while much more than this has been going on (my excuse for not blogging) these have been the biggest events this Autumn. Once the bedroom remodel is complete I will post pictures and a before and after video. Hopefully it will be done before the end of the year. My target was Thanksgiving (Nov. 22) but I'm not sure if that is realistic right now. Well football is continuing and soccer season starts soon!

Update

Fantu's surgery went really well. With three minutes left on the clock the nurse came over and told me she had been taken to recovery and the doctor would be out shortly. He came out maybe fifteen minutes later and said everything went really well. Her minuscus did have some damage as it was the same as the left knee had been as it covered nearly all of the joint. He trimmed away all the excess and now she has a perfectly shaped miniscus. While he was there he checked her kneecaps, ACL and all the other parts of the knee and all was healthy. She slept several hours after the surgery was complete and we got home at about 7:45 pm.
She is doing so much better this time and I think her recovery will be much quicker. She is already able to flex her knee some and the pain doesn't seem as bad as it was before. I'm so glad we didn't wait for her knee to get worse. Fantu is really motivated to get up, moving and back in shape quickly. She's loving her soccer class and really wants to be back playing in a month. Realistically I think it will be six weeks. She's heading back to school on Tuesday and returns to the Doc on Friday.  Very proud of Fantu and how brave she has been through this,

Deja Vu

Ok so it's really not quite deja vu as I have been here before. Sitting in the surgical waiting room watching the panic TV's tick down the time remaining for Fantu's surgery. She went in 40 minutes ago and has one hour and thirteen minutes left. If you remember last time those tellys nearly sent me into a panic because it kept adding extra time to her surgical time and we didn't get an explanation until it was finished. This time they just scheduled her to be in longer so I can hope that doesn't happen again. I also brought my laptop with me to keep myself occupied during the wait.
I'm on my own up here today with her as Alan won't be finished at work until this evening. I made Abate go to school as he already misses class once a week for XC meets. Plus he has a few grades that have slipped a bit low that he has to bring up.
1:07 left.
I am very proud of Fantu and how brave she has been helping to make the decision to have the surgery now and to face it so willingly while knowing how painful the recovery is. Doctor Battle had told us that surgery wasn't urgent and could be held off. She would probably require it though in the coming months. Her knee would have started to give her more trouble and hurt more often during sports and she would then miss out on most of soccer season due to the 6-10 week recovery. Have it now and her recovery would most likely be shorter and she will be back on the field in time for soccer season. Fantu not only was brave she was smart too deciding to go ahead now.
00:00 - Tech's are up here messing the the tv so there is no picture thus no updates.
Abate had a brilliant race yesterday at the Gatesville hosted meet. His best time this year on that course has been 00:16:57. Yesterday he placed second with a time of 00:16:09. He has been on cloud nine since. I've been about to burst with pride. After the race he was interviewed and photos taken for the local newspaper. He just had his photo in there one and a half weeks ago. The sports results are in the paper every Wednesday, and every Wednesday he has his name mentioned, some weeks it will be in both the Football write-up and the XC article. I make a point of clipping them all out.. I should have a nice collection this year.
Tech's still working on the telly.
Work is still crazy, I'm always behind on projects at home, and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight to get done what needs doing. I need time off work to get some of the things done, but I've missed so much in recent months it makes it difficult to take even more time off. Leslie keeps over stuffing the employee of the month ballot box with nominations for me but I seem to always miss out by one vote. The Employee of the month gets a half day off work, man could I use that!
00:46 left (yes the techs have successfully turned the telly back on).
January was when Fantu was here for her first surgery. We had to be here ridiculously early, it was lashing rain, booming thunder, and quite the lightening show. It was a long nerve wracking day. Today her surgery was scheduled for 1:00, we had to be here at 11:00 am. The sun is shining and the forecast is for highs in the 90's. Fantu and I laughed and joked around while waiting as her surgery was delayed by an hour as a previous surgery in the O.R. room they needed ran overtime. The doctors and nurses kept popping in to see why we were laughing so hard. One of them thought they had already given her some drugs that were making her happy. She was pretty relaxed when they took her on back.
37:00 left.
My battery is getting low so I will post this now. If I get a chance to update this later or over the weekend I will let everyone know how it all went.

I Really Need to Stop Blinking

Yes it's that old time thing passing in the blink of an eye again. I just can't seem to get it to slow down. Autumn is always especially crazy with XC and football. I have also seemed to have picked up an extra son along the way as Elmer is here about 75% of the time. So I have two in XC, two in football, Elmer is also in band. Fantu is in choir and she will be playing soccer in a few more months providing she recovers from her knee surgery in time. KNEE SURGERY? Yes, her right knee is now starting to hurt her a bit so we are going ahead with surgery on it now before it gets as bad as her left knee did. It is scheduled for the 21st of September. We put it off for two weeks because Abate has a birthday this next week. It's a big one - 16 - BIRTHDAY? 16? Oh and he's just weeks away from getting his Driving License. I'm already a nervous wreck worrying about him. I am also trying to get started on a major bedroom remodel (mine and Alan's) finally. I am hoping to complete this in about 4-6 weeks but with the way I blink it will probably be at least double that. I'm looking forward to getting it done as I am hoping it will solve many storage issues and give us a nice cozy modern sleeping space.
Sadie has settled in wonderfully well and is so enjoyable to have around. Even Abate has found her useful - he takes her out for walks and finds she's great for picking up girls. I even heard Elmer asking if he could take her out for a walk. Funny guys!
Well  I've five teens hanging out here tonight and I've promised them homemade pizza for dinner.. guess I'd better get busy because if I blink the kitchen will be emptied of food.

There's a reason for this blogs name...

The doghouse has added one more to the pack. Sadie, an amazing 3 year old female German Shepherd.  As you can probably guess by her age she is a rescue. A totally unplanned adoption, but she was the perfect German Shepherd for us.

So the question is then – how do you adopt a dog without planning on it? Well here it is…. I work as many of you know for the City of Temple which has of course a website that I am on nearly daily. One of the tabs is Pets of the Week. I can’t help but click on it and see all these adorable animals in need of a home. Oh but I am wise and knew that with a small house, two teens and a busy schedule that we all have adding another dog to the pack could wait…. That is until last Thursday when the new posting for the week went up and there was Sadie with the sweetest face and most beautiful eyes and a story that breaks your heart and makes you wonder why some people own dogs.

Sadie had been living on a farm with cattle.  She was left to roam around all the time unsupervised. She had received numerous injuries to her left leg  there was so much scar tissue from untreated injuries her leg was full of lumps. She also had a more recent severe injury to her tail. She couldn’t walk and was in a great deal of pain.  Her owners instead of taking her to the Vet took her to the pound and dropped her off.   Now luckily the Temple shelter is a limited no-kill facility, so after the Vet checked her out and determined she could be helped with surgery they were able to access the needed funds from the Ida Oliffe Foundation .  So Sadie got her surgery and then waited for a new home. Several people inquired and some even came to see her, but they were worried about long term health issues.  Sadie continued to wait… that’s where I come in, and see her face online.  For two days I kept it to myself. Not another dog, not a German Shepherd, love the breed but the fur is everywhere and those tails – the can destroy a home in minutes. I had sworn never another one.  I also felt that there could never  be one to match how awesome Capone was (our late great beauty). But I couldn’t stop thinking about her so I broke down and showed Alan – love at first sight.  So on Monday morning I emailed the Animal shelter to get her story and see if she was still available. She was still waiting. She went on to explain what surgeries had been done and one of them was her tail had to be docked due to the severity of her injuries. A tailless German Shepherd,  it can’t be, she’s perfect! I made an appointment to go see her at lunch. 

Sadie is the consummate female German Shepherd.  Cautious, loyal, clever and oh so sweet, I knew she was perfect for us.  They insisted I pick her up that afternoon before 5:00.  It is a very simple process when you work for the City of Temple, sign the agreement, no fees to be paid (a fringe benefit). I took her to the car and she hopped right in, sat down and rode for awhile looking out the window, then she went to sleep for the remainder of the drive.

She’s been with us now for four days and is fitting in so perfectly. Her appetite was a bit off the first two days, but now she’s eating three times a day with biscuits in between. She does need to gain about twenty pounds to be at her ideal weight. She is so thin right now. Schindler is a bit jealous of her and keeps giving her the evil eye hoping she will disappear, Bonnie just tries to ignore her. Sadie isn’t too bothered by either one as she is getting so much attention from the human pack. Fantu is crazy about her,  Abate not so much, but he will scratch her ears.  Alan and I of course are thrilled to have her in our pack. She may just end up being the top dog around if we don’t watch it.

 

 

 

9000 Feet Above Stress Level

9000 Feet Above Stress Level is the slogan for the village of Cloudcroft where myself, Abate, Elmer and Fantu spent a week on vacation in mid-July. It is a slogan well deserved. We escaped the Texas heat and the daily highs pushing the 100 degree mark for Cloudcroft’s daily highs in the low 70’s. Texas was barely seeing 70’s as its overnight lows which in Cloudcroft by the way were 49-52 degrees. Rain showers were brief and fell in the late afternoon on two occasions. It was what I consider perfect weather.

I rented a cabin for the week, a cute little two bedroom right in the village. It was up a very steep hill which my poor car struggled with the first time as it was packed so heavily with people and possessions. As I pulled in I was surprised at the closeness of the next door neighbor and was a bit concerned, but we soon realized that the house was positioned to afford a very private layout and back deck left us feeling we were off alone on the hillside. The deck was large with several sitting areas, a large fire pit and a BBQ grill. I knew that we would enjoy many evenings sitting out on it. The house was beautifully decorated. It was cozy and extremely comfortable. The kitchen was a cooks dream with many gourmet features, I knew I’d made the right choice in a rental. This would be an amazing home for the week.

I choose Cloudcroft because it has a wide choice of trails running all over the Lincoln National Forest. It would be ideal for Abate and Elmer to run and train for the upcoming cross country season. Fantu and I could hike some and I had hoped to do some bike riding but due to a lack of time in the previous months to get back in shape that really wasn’t an option this time. Cloudcroft is also located just above the Tularosa Basin, a high desert that is home to the White Sands National Monument. It is an amazing sight to see and with its large dunes of crystal white gypsum sand it makes for a fun time sledding. Sledding in the summer can be quite an experience as it was around 90 degrees in the desert and the sun reflected off the sand that only intensified the heat. The kids played hard and worked up an appetite that led us to a real gem of a restaurant that served New Mexico’s regional style of Mexican food. In case you are wondering, green chilies dominate the sauces, it was really good with outstanding service. I will return to Tio Lupes on my next trip, and if ever you are passing through Alamogordo stop and give them a try.

Our hikes took us on trails in the 9000 foot mountains, another at 6500 feet led us on a more semi-arid trail mid-way up from the basin. While the temperatures were not as cool at 6500 feet the 3.6 mile hike took us to a very nice waterfall that the kids could play in and around. It was a really good time and we had the place to ourselves.

Well no trip is complete though without doing a bit of shopping. Cloudcroft has a nice assortment of shops (unless you need food) and we were able to pick up a few things to bring home. A shop selling fudge had a nice assortment including one made with chilies. It may sound weird but it was addictively tasty. Pistachios are grown in the Tularosa basin so we of course had to stop and buy a few bags. Again there was the famous New Mexican chili being used to season something, this time it leant it punch to the pistachios and once again they were addictive they were so good.

So 9000 feet above stress level was a really nice place to be. Fantu commented to be on several occasions that she had never seen me relax and she was happy that I actually could sit down and chill out. It was a great week and it was difficult to leave. We have some really good memories to keep us going and lots of great photos. I think they will tell the rest of the story.

An Hour of Memories

Funerals, they vary by country, culture, region, religion. In some cultures it will be a week or more from the day of death until the day of the funeral. In other cultures the body must be buried within twenty four hours. Here in Texas three is the norm, sometimes it will be in two days if most of the family is close, if there is family that must travel from afar then it may be five.  I've lost so many loved ones over the years to know I hate the limbo between death and burial. I insisted my Mom's funeral would be two days after her death. She died on Friday at 12:00 pm her funeral was Sunday at 2:00. It took a bit of doing, The funeral home wasn't in any rush,  they wanted to wait until Saturday morning to meet to make arrangements. No I said, I want the service on Sunday and I do not want to go to bed tonight worrying about the arrangements. Ok so we'd meet at 4:30. My sister Ginger would be there with me to share the decisions, Candy was en route from New Orleans to G'Ville, I would keep in touch with her by phone as we made the decisions. We had to decide on a casket to get it ordered before 5:00 so it would be delivered the next day. We were unable to get our first choice so we moved on to a slightly more expensive one, but it was in the end just perfect.  Obituaries wouldn't  run in the papers in time and would only get delivered to the businesses that are opened on Saturdays. That's fine, family and her closest friends had been notified. They are the ones that would want to attend. First thing Saturday morning my sisters and I went to order the flowers for the casket. Pinks, whites and some lacy green leaves were our requirements. We knew that we would be limited to the flowers that they would have on hand. It couldn't have been more perfect., it was an amazing arrangement, pink roses, gladioli both white and pink, same with the snap dragons. There were also massive pink lilies. Beautiful green ferns, large leaves and classical Belles of Ireland.
We initially picked some music that would be piped in at several different times. A bit impersonal but yet can be meditative. I did want to personalize it so I asked Fantu if she could learn Amazing Grace by Sunday afternoon. She had to think about it and went back and forth until Saturday afternoon. She did however that entire time learn and practice constantly. By Sunday morning she had it perfected.  She would open the service singing Amazing Grace a Capella. She sang like an angel. Mom would've loved it. She was very proud of her two Ethiopian grandchildren. She never said anything to me or them, but so many others would come up to me and say how much she loved to talk about them, that she was so proud of them.
Saturday afternoon was a private family viewing. We all came in and out at different times. Mom was beautiful. We dressed her in a pale pink cashmere sweater that my Dad had given her the Christmas before he died. She was always so lovely in it.. The casket was white with a touch of pink, it had pale pink roses embroidered on the panel above her. She looked like she did on her best and happiest days. The pain, sadness, and years of illness had been lifted. We could see it in her face as soon as she passed that she was free of burden and had been embraced by those she loved that were waiting for her.
The viewing that night brought friends and family. It was a time to remember her life. I had gathered many of the old and new photographs I had of her, I framed the ones that weren't. I spent time adding a few personal and decorative touches to some inexpensive frames. They showed her life, her family, her love and her beauty.
We left at 8:00 pm, 18 hours until her funeral.I hate the limbo as time drags by. It was another of the reasons I wanted the funeral so quickly. When my son died we waited days, it was hell.
The service was lovely. The sermon was perfect. There was just enough time to quietly think about her and the Mother that she was. I realized how much I would miss talking to her. I often looked forward to telling her about how the kids were doing, what Caleb was up to, or maybe something that was going on at work. I will miss that.
Mom would be buried at Ater cemetery. Five generations are buried there, including my son,my dad, his parents, my mom's parents, a great grandmother and many more. As we drove out from town we could see thunderstorms building up, just as we arrived a light rain started to fall. It wasn't long before the rain fell even harder. This always seems the norm for funerals in my family. It never stormed and by the time the graveside service had ended the rain was lessening. The tears were done. The day was ending. The sun began to peek out.

My Mom was a beautiful women, The one thing we heard from everyone was how sweet she was. Her smile would light up their day. I will have those memories until my time ends, I will then have her near me again.

So long ....

No more pain, no more illness was what I immediatly thought with my Mother's passing yesterday. Her face became so peaceful, so relaxed, she just looked to be sleeping so innocently.

Mom has been in poor health since I was a child, I have posted about this before. She has cheated death on several occasions. She was a fighter, and she always had a reason to fight to survive. This time however she did not. She was tired, she knew it was her time. We talked about it in her final days. If you had told me twenty years ago that my Mother would live to be 82 I never would have believed you, I never thought she'd live to see seventy. If you'd have told me a week ago that I'd be planning her funeral in a week, I wouldn't have believed you. 

She was taken from her room at the Meadows to the ER at the adjoining hospital a week ago today. She was confused and her speech was slurring. I imediately thought maybe a stroke, but stress will do this to her at times. They instead discovered she was dehydrated and her kidneys were failing. All her meds were building up in her system. She was admittied to the hopspital and IV treatments were started and her fluid levels monitored. She started to improve. By Wednesday she had improved enough that there was hope she'd return to her room at the Meadows in a week. But by Wednesday evening I was beginning to have my doubts, I felt that she would not go home this time.

Wednesday evening was hard, her speech had worsened and she was feeling ill and was extremely uncomfortable in bed. She kept getting herself flustered which put a lot of strain on her heart. It took hours to get her to calm down enough to sleep. Once she did I headed home making sure the hospital staff notified me at any change.

No overnight or early morning calls so I headed on to work. No calls all day. Was she holding her own? After work I picked up Fantu and we headed on up to the hospital. As soon as I walked into  her room my heart sank. She looked bad, I could tell she was suddenly near the end. I sat with her, she was awake but did nothing more that mumbled a few noises. She was no longer able to swallow and her breathing was fast and shallow. Nurses were in and out constantly. I called my sister out of state and told her that Mom only had a few days left at most.

Fantu hadn't eaten and at the time I felt Mom still had some time left. So we went to eat and headed home. Just a short time later the hospital called and she had taken a downturn. Fantu and I went back straight away, Abate and Elmer soon joined us. I made a few calls so family could try to get to town. The four of us stayed through the night. My mom soon slept, she never woke up. Her breathing changed through the night but still she fought on. I watched her closely, she never opened her eyes, she had little respone left to any stimulus. By morning family began to arrive, I headed home to sleep. She seemed stable and I felt she'd make it throught the day. 

I only briefly slept and soon decided to head back. Andre and Carrie were on their was and would be at the hospital shortly. As I was getting out of the car my phone rang, I was unable to catch it, I recognized the number, I hurried in. Mom had just passed, her sister- my amazing Aunt June was with her. She said she just slowly drew those final breaths and she was gone.  So quick these final days, so long her pain and illness.

So long Mom - Valeta Lucille McCorkle Barron 1929 - 2012.

The day my life stood still

This June 25 will be ten years since my son Trevor died in a motorcycle accident. In recent years I pause on the day, go visit his memorial, and reflect on his life and his absence  in our lives since. But this year I feel a black hole opening up inside me. I find myself often in tears. There is a depth to my pain I haven't felt in years. A decade has passed. From this loss I found new strength and new purpose to chase my dreams. I have done things that I otherwise would have never pursued. From my loss I ventured out determined to find joy in what I had, and to find new joy... but I still have suffered that loss, it does not lessen it, it does not go away.
The following blog is a journal of my feelings, my thoughts, reflections and pain as I have passed through this month.

June 6th, 2012
It is June. It is a month that I don't look forward to. Summer heat, kids home from school, yet I'm sitting at work day after day. I sit dreaming of our trip in July hoping that it will be here very quickly, but yet I still have another 5 weeks to wait. But this June is one that I just want to skip. I have been feeling the sadness already begin to engulf me. I find I am often choking back the tears. The emptiness that swallowed me up ten years ago is threatening to pull me in once again. I begin to write this now weeks before the 25th. I don't know if at that time I will be able to put what I feel into words. Will I bury all the emotion deep within as I have done in the past? Will life distract me from the emptiness? Maybe I can fill this void with all the love and joy that is in my life.
Ten Years...a decade, this was something I could not even imagine ten years ago, but at that time I could not even see the next day. The unimaginable happened.... my son Trevor was dead. Killed in an accident just days before his 21st birthday.  Time stood still... I stopped breathing....I crumbled.

June 7th, 2012
Another day at work, I was tired, I was feeling very blue. It was a busy day, from the second I walked in the door it was chaos. I would  have hoped that being busy would keep me distracted, but instead I just wanted to crawl into a hole and allow myself to be engulfed by the sadness and tiredness I felt. I struggled to stay on task. Every distraction annoyed me. I could hear the sadness and a unusual softness to my voice when I answered the phone. I knew I would not be able to hide my sorrow for the month ahead. I feel the black hole pulling me in. At the end of the day I talk to my boss, I tell her that I am struggling right now. I will continue to remind myself of all I have to be joyful for but right now I feel the loss of Trevor more than I have in many years. I may not always make it in to work, or I may have to leave for awhile. I just want her to know that this is hard right now but that it will pass, it is just another milestone to get past.
I will find the joy and love that got me through the worst days ten years ago, I will easily get through this month.

June 10th, 2012
I am feeling better,I had a good sleep last night  - amazing what that can do. Yesterday Alan was looking for a song online to listen too. He found it and said this would be a good song for the 10th anniversary. 10th anniversary?  I think aren't we celebrating 16 years this year? So I was like... 10? He's replies yes,  Trevor.  I immediately said oh no, don't need music or songs to put to this "anniversary". I just want to get through it without losing it. I don't really need a soundtrack, or any commemorative  anything to recognize a decade without Trevor. My grief is personal, I keep it close within me. I am uncomfortable sharing it. I think it is because I know it is a pain that only a Mother that has lost a child understands... but even then every mother feels a unique pain that is as unique as her child. Yet I also know that those who love me feel pain when they see me hurt. They feel the need to help, to make it easier, to make it better. Maybe I should give them a chance. Who knows I might just feel better and they will feel like thay have helped. I'm not sure I can do it. I feel like I'd just be making everyone else sad and depressed. It is enough for me to be sad.

June 12th, 2012


I’ve been so busy at work this week I haven’t had the time to think much less dwell on the past. This week we have had a large Nursing Conference with over 400 school nurses in attendance. It is a bit of a high maintenance event.

This evening though and I’m not sure why I started thinking about our week in Ethiopia and all the wonderful kids I met there. I had such a wonderful time with so many of them. It was also one of the more difficult times I have ever faced. To explain why this is let me give you a bit of a back story here.

Alan and I knew from the start we wanted to adopt older kids, we would look at  the kids that had been waiting the longest for a family. Our agency releases a video of these kids about every 3-6 months. Once our applications and homestudy were all in place we received the video and viewed it. It played for over an hour, 2 minute interviews with boys, girls, sibling sets of 2-5 children. Some of these kids were maybe 5 or 6 others were teens up to 16. We watched and watched it again. We saw so many children that made such a good impression on us. The realization that we could only pick one sibling set, one set of two. That would be all as this was something we would only do once. We knew in our hearts that two would be our limit, so that cute trio of brothers… no. Oh there’s a cute little boy on his own… no, he’s be so lonely and sad in our little town. What about that teenage girl? Such a sad story and she is so beautiful. She’s never been to school though and doesn’t speak a word of English. We just don’t have the resources in our area to give her the help she will need. So that’s it then,  we narrowed it down to two sibling sets, which led us to being blessed with Abate and Fantu.

So now back to where I started. Can you imagine what it was like to spend a week with so many of these kids that you saw on the video but didn’t choose? So many of them ask you to please help find them a family, I said I would tell everyone about them. It is amazing how close you can get to them in just five days. By day four I was in tears at the thought of leaving. I understand now why so many people are drawn to this kind of work. It is so hard to walk away. You leave there knowing that some of these kids will never find a home. Some are aging out, new guidelines had recently gone in to place that banned the adoption to the USA of kids over 15. The orphanages would do what they can for them to get them prepared to make their way in the world, but they wouldn’t have a family there to see them through. My heart was breaking for these kids.

This first week were still nervously getting to know Abate and Fantu, we were so impressed with them and knew immediately we had made the right decision, we were so happy and excited to be taking them home. It was a very emotional time. The beautiful teenage girl I mentioned above, we met and were drawn together. She still didn’t speak any English, but we never needed words to communicate. On the Thursday afternoon I went with a group of kids to play soccer at the park. I ended up sitting in the shade and she joined me there. She lay with her head in my lap and we looked at a book she had. It was just such a nice moment spent with her. While we were there though we found out that she was one of the ones that had aged out, she was not eligible to be adopted. Such sadness knowing that there would not be a family lucky enough to have her join them. There were many more stories similar to hers, many more sweet kids we would leave waiting. That is why I cried that day, I cried on Friday when we were saying our good-byes. It was why I still shed tears when I think back. All these kids that have suffered so much loss.



June 13th, 2012

Earlier this evening Abate wanted to go practice his driving. I knew he hadn’t driven on any of the many country roads that surround our area so it was time for that lesson. His driving has really come along well. We headed west of town out the road towards where my Grandparents used to live in Levita. I hadn’t planned on us driving too far out but I’m only familiar with a few of the roads and we missed the turn for the first one I knew. So we continued on until we reached the turn for Ater. Ater was a small town once, now it is a few houses, an old schoolhouse that is used for meetings and community events and it is also the location of the Ater Cemetery. Generations of my family are buried there as are a small box containing a portion of my son’s ashes. We didn’t stop, we just drove on past. The drive was already much longer than anticipated.

As we drove I talked to Abate about why these types of roads are so dangerous. I told him of the many teens in our area that have died over the past 9 years on these types of roads. I would explain the mistakes they made and what he should do instead. He replies, “Mom. You’re scaring me.” You need to be scared, that way you will respect the dangers that exist on the road. As we returned to the highway I told him of a wreck that had happened the evening before, a friend of my bosses daughter had been injured and another teen boy killed. Again I explained how the wreck happened and how it could have been avoided. It happened at an intersection I turn at on my way to and from work. I have seen several accidents there and many more close calls. Cars gong straight across at that intersection have to cross 5 lanes - 4 of which have cars traveling at 60-65 mph. It is not something I would even attempt. I told him when faced with an intersection like that it is usually best to find another route. Take a right turn and drive up the road until you can find a safer place to turn.

We make it home safely. But I am terrified of him driving. I am terrified every time he gets in a car with a teenage driver. If the weather is looking bad I am on the phone telling them to stop and wait for it to pass. I jump whenever the phone rings. I cannot imagine if he were in a bad accident. It was the one thing that almost kept me from adopting. I know I cannot face a loss like that again.

June 21, 2012

It has been really busy this past week.  It does make it easier as I really don’t have time to think or be sad. I must admit though I thought the other day about just going to my room and just letting myself get swallowed up in the emotion and sadness that I have been trying to keep at bay. But then I thought – why would I want to do that to myself, I’ve so much to do and so much of it is stuff that makes me happy.

My sister has been up and has been going through all the stuff up at my Mom’s house. Sorting and clearing and cleaning. There are literally 1000’s of photographs up there. Some are old slides packed away in boxes. Many more are prints in box after box after box, they never seem to stop. Then there are photo albums, not as numerous and mostly are well organized by time or subject. I sat for awhile on Monday evening going through a box of just miscellaneous pictures. They covered many decades, subjects, and locations. I came across pictures of my first three cars, a 1968 Chevy Malibu, my first new car a 1978 Olds Cutlass Supreme, and my first family car a 1982 Toyota  Corolla Wagon. In that picture Trevor was a bit over a year old and was hanging out the window. There were Christmas pictures and many other family gatherings.  It was at often times quite sad as so many of those people are no longer with us. It is so nice though to have these pictures to look at.

Later that evening Fantu and I were talking about family and how sometimes siblings are sometimes so opposite in both looks and personality. She then talked of her Mother and her Aunt and how different they were. She only knows her Mom from pictures. Fantu said she was kind of short with a curvy shape. She had long curly hair that Fantu said was beautiful. Fantu’s Aunt was tall and very thin with short curly hair, very different from her sister. At that point I was engulfed with sadness. There were pictures of her family that they don’t have. She has talked about a picture of Abate as a baby that she describes him as being just a rolly polly little boy. Pictures of her parents, which is all she had of them. Just a few pictures that are probably gone forever.  I cried. I cried hard. Fantu had to comfort me. I was so sad for her and Abate… not one photo of their family that left them all too soon. While up at my parent’s house there are more than anyone knows what to do with.  I have pictures of Trevor, newborn, toddler, school, teen, young adult. Pictures of him being serious, and those of him being crazy. I have enough that I will never forget how he looked at any of the stages in his life.  Some of those pictures bring a smile to my face one day and a tear running down my cheek the next. Pictures so often are priceless.

June 23, 2012

If you read my previous blog - Memory Lane is filled with Pictures, well I just finished writing it. I wrote it just to reflect on how my life and memories were shaped in my early childhood. But I did not mention was how I often fought back tears as I came across picture after picture of Trevor. Newborn, first birthday, Easter, Christmases, family gatherings. There are portraits taken at various stages in his life and many funny candid shots.  His childhood seems a lifetime ago. His death feels like 10 years. His absence from my life - just yesterday.
I have lived a life that I would never have predicted. so many circumstances beyond my will to shape. I have had many amazing adventures, and persued my dreams. I sometimes wonder how I have done so much in my 53 years.
These past ten years though I have kept on chasing my dreams, planing for a future that I hope to have well into my old age. But so many of the dreams I have attained, the path my life has taken have been formed by the death of my son. I have fulfilled some of my dreams only because Trevor died.  It is my loss that took my life on a path that lead to me adopting Abate and Fantu. It is their tragic loss of their Mother, Father, Aunt and Uncle that lead them to Kidane Mehret. Tragic losses within our families that shaped this new family.

We are a family that finds much joy and laughter. We make new adventures and are creating new memories that we will share for many years to come. We are also a family with spirits keeping watch over us. I often feel their presence. We are also a family that feels loss. we all have our days where we feel it deeply. Tears are shed, sometimes anger surfaces as we struggle to understand, I don't think I ever will. I will struggle and shed many tears in the next few days as I deal with the reality that it has been ten years since that tragic day. Ten years since my life crumbled only to slowly rebuild itself to the person I am now. My life is stages, and i think these past ten years have been one of recovery, rebuilding, and finding new joy and purpose. I will try to look ahead and create a new stage in my life. What it will be, I do not yet know. I hope though to look forward to quieter times as I look to retire, and my youngest two head off to college. Where will we all be in 10 years?

June 24^th, 2012

Ten years ago I imagine this was a night just like many others for Trevor. No bad omens, nothing to change his usual routine. He was driving to his girlfriends house just as he had for many months. Driving the same streets that he had driven hundreds of times. A dry warm summer night. This night was different. A truck and Trailer were parked in the road just beyond a curve. He saw the truck and swerved, but the trailer was wider than the truck. It clipped his motorcycle and he lost control. It was fast, it was instant. He barely had a scratch on him. Just like that he was gone.

I was in Ireland, we are 6 hours ahead. When this was happening I was on my way to work. I didn't sense anything. It was a normal day. I worked my full day and Alan and I drove home. It was only shortly after we arrived home that the phone rang. Alan answered it. He quickly went pale and stumbled for words... it was my Dad, he handed me the phone, Alan couldn't find the words. My Dad paused only briefly, “Trevor has been in an accident”, I quickly asked “ How badly injured was he?” Dad replied “ he died”. I felt like I crumbled, Alan said I screamed. It was the first time of many times in the coming months I would stop breathing because it hurt. Someone had reached into my chest and pulled everything out. I was empty except for the pain left behind.

The next hour I managed along with Alan to make flight arrangements for the next morning. He called our work, they were great. The following days were a blur, I'd cry until I was drained only to recover enough to cry again. It was a circle that repeated itself for days. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. Again and again I'd find myself not breathing, It became a pattern of having to remind myself to breath... it hurt.

His funeral was on the 29^th. The day before his 21^st birthday. It was packed. Standing room only. It wasa funeral to be remembered. We celebrated his life. We celebrated his friendships. We celebrated the mark he made on all our lives. There was laughter and tears. A mariachi sang one of Trevor's favorites – One Ton Tomato ( a parody of Guantanamera). The funeral was long as so many had a story to tell, I had hoped it would never end. It did and everyone soon departed. I stayed behind. I stood gazing at my son one final time, I could not walk away. ...I could not walk away. Alan had to convince me and lead me away. I never hurt so much in life as I did in those final moments as I turned away and left the chapel

We waited a few more days before flying home. We left Texas on July the 4^th and arrived back in Ireland on July 5^th, our 6^th wedding anniversary.

Alan returned to work a few days ahead of me. He was able to answer questions and do what he could to make my return easier. The first day back was hard. That first year were filled with many firsts that made it a difficult year. I will say that those first few months I functioned on auto-pilot. I went through the movements of life that it demanded from me. There were many days I didn't function and would get sent home from work.

So how did I get through those hours, days, weeks, months, years and now one decade? In those first few hours I told myself – There is no why Trevor, why my son? Losses like this happen everyday to people from all walks of life. Life isn't perfect, it often sucks, but most of the time it is good. Some times life is great. I lost my son, it was tragic, it hurt, it still hurts. But I knew I had so much good in my life. I had great things to look forward to, I would be sure I would have great things to look forward to.

I had a son, his name was Trevor. He brought more joy and laughter into my life that most people wouldn't have in a lifetime. He was my son for 20 years and 360 days. I was truly blessed. Tonight I cry because I miss him, I will celebrate all the memories tomorrow.

I love you, I miss you, I know the angels are laughing so much more these past ten years, Thank you for being my son.





Tomorrow June 25th I will not write about, I need to keep it inside me. I  do not know yet how I will feel tomorrow. I may be ready to celebrate the life he lived, I may hide in bed and cry. I will probably go through the day like I have all the previous days, bury it, keep it close and personal. It is something I do not share easily.  My grief is as unique to me as Trevor was unique as a person. I can talk about it and try to share how I felt. But you can never imagine ( I never did) just how crushing the reality is when you lose a child.