Monday, April 30, 2012
Back on track
Just a quick update, Abate has decided to play his sports next year. He comes to me yesterday and says " Mom, I don't know what I was thinking, I've got to run and play soccer next year. " Ah, deep breath, relax. Smile.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Do you see me?
Another week passes... all too quickly that bit of time is now gone. It has been a difficult week, it has been a week of pride, it has had all the usual challenges that seem to occur regularly around here.
Fantu started the week very moody, it continued into mid-week. That bit of moodiness I could attribute to P.M.S. (poor thing). Today her moodiness was because of nerves. Some girls get giddy with excitement when faced with a new social situation, tonight was the 8th Grade Formal Dance, Fantu tends to get a bit cranky when in these situations. She was never prepared for any thing like this in Ethiopia. It is something since coming here that she frets over and prepares for, well... for months. Her nerves take over and she struggles to deal with theses emotions she was never prepared for. I am in her path as she struggles. I went to work on the rent house as the new tenant hopes to move in in a few short weeks, I had a list of things I wanted to get accomplished over there today. I had to replace a broken window, replace broken and missing tile in the kitchen/laundry room. I had 2 new light fixtures to replace and had to replace the doorknobs as the keys to the existing ones hadn't all been returned. I was getting phone calls from her every few minutes and in between she'd text. How could I get anything work done. She asked to go to her friends house early, No, I finally had to tell her to stop calling and texting as I could'nt get anything done and I would never return back to the house to take her to Ayanna's. She eased off a bit. I got some of the projects finished, others will wait until tomorrow.
I got her to her friends house with plenty of time to get ready. Her and Ayanna were beautiful. I hope it is a night she will remember. See pictures in the previous blog.
Abate this week has been sullen. He did not qualify for the regional track meet. His friend Elmer got to go as an alternate for the 4x400. He took it hard. It was a difficult year as he was a Freshman competing on Varsity teams. While he is a stellar athlete, he is not yet at the same level that a Jr. or Sr. athlete would be . He has become disheartened, frustrated, and depressed. He has declared he will not do any sports this next year. He is quitting it all. I have told him I think he is making the biggest mistake in his life. How could he walk away from the one thing that brings him so much joy and pleasure. If he insists on taking this path I have told him that there will be no excuse for anything less that straight A's on his report card. I know he is well able to achieve that without the distraction of his athletic schedule. STRAIGHT A'S. I will expect it. I will insist. If he will not be practicing sports after school, then he will be studying. I do not think I am being unfair. He is an extremely intelligent boy. He has proven that to us in the last 3 years. I am hopeful that with a few weeks to mull this over he will figure this out and do what is best. I am crushed that he wants to quit Cross country and track. Watching him run gives me so much pleasure. Soccer – well he is so talented, he has inspired so many others to play it in high school. I wish I could figure out why he suddenly wants to turn his back on all this. What is going on? I am baffled.
My Mom continues to improve. She struggled this week as she felt abandoned. I had a busy schedule and was only able to stop by one evening. She didn't have a phone call this week from my eldest sister as she is away on holiday with her family. My other sister is well....*&$*%#@#. Words I cannot say. She was to come visit my Mom on Easter weekend – the weekend mom fell and went into the hospital. She never showed. She has never called since, she has not driven the 70 miles to come visit. My mom continues to ask if I have heard anything. No, I do not and will not talk to her. I have very strong opinions about her, trust me – it's all negative. I have never been able to figure out how she fit into my family. She is not anything like me or my other siblings. It is almost as though she were a infant left on the doorstep that they took in. How can she be so thoughtless not to call and talk to her mother during these sad and trying days that she has faced as she adjusts to this near final stage in her life. I am dumbfounded. I am overwhelmed as I now realize that I will be the one and only to help my mom during these days, weeks months and even years as her life and legacy draw to a close. I know I am able for it. I have faced far worse challenges in my life. I really would have preferred to have the family on board to help me and my Mother through these final years. While all of us have faced tragic loss and challenging times, none no worse than the others, I often wonder why I am left to carry this burden so heavily. It is a weight I carry around. Guilt when I cannot be there eery moment she needs me. Guilt that I have had to have her hire a person to help her out over these past 4 years so I could try to live a life that I I wanted. A life that included the addition of my two Ethiopian children. Guilt that I had to decide that now was the time to place her in a nursing home. It was a decision that for years I knew I would have to be the one to make. I would have to be the bad guy. But am I?
Once again I am having one of those moments when I feel totally inadequate. I look at myself and I see the insecurities and weaknesses that I face daily. I also struggle with other peoples perceptions of me. What do you see when you see me?
Friday, April 20, 2012
Dreaming of Clouds
It has been a busy two weeks as I'm sure you can all well imagine. When I last posted the decision had been made to place my Mom in a nursing home. On Monday the 9th I spent the day making the arrangements, filling out form after form. I went by the solicitors office to pick up the POA and Medical POA they had on file. The cabinet was locked that they were kept in and no one knew where the key was. I had to get new ones drawn up and get my mother to sign. She only hesitated for a minute, questioning why she had to go into a nursing home. I very firmly explained to her why. That returning home at this time was not an option. The Doctors and family were all in agreement. This was best for her. The Doctor was out in the hallway, he overheard me, he had a laugh. He was like – wow, ” I thought you'd need my help, most families leave it up to the doctor to do all the talk. You didn't need my help at all”.
On April 10th she was wheeled down from her hospital room to her new room (her new home) at The Meadows. I could tell she was impressed with what she saw. It really is a nice facility. It is operated by the hospital and is spotless. The staff are all so nice and helpful. They do so much to make the transition easy and to take the burden of care off the family.
I had spent the morning bringing items from her home to decorate and make her feel more at ease. Photos, art, knick-knacks and a quilt her mother made. She smiled as she saw these things.
She has now been there for ten days. She looks better than she has looked in months. She is eating well, taking her meds when prescribed, she is getting rehab to get her stronger and she has people all around her to talk to. They have activities everyday, she is having fun. I don't think she could tell you the last time she had fun. She seems content, content that this will be her final home.
I had to miss two days of work to get Mom all registered, moved and settled at The Meadows. Returning to work I found a disaster on my desk and piles of work waiting. Nothing had been done in my absence. I was not impressed. One of the things I have discussed with my employers is that there should always be someone (if not several) trained to step in and do your job when a crisis arises. The last thing I had on my mind during those two days was work and what would be waiting when I came back. I didn't expect them to do everything, they do have their own jobs to do too. But just the basic necessary tasks had not been done. I really didn't need the stress. I worked my arse off and did get mostly caught up by Friday 5:00 pm.
During the week Abate also had the district track meet, I did not make it, he did not qualify for Regionals. He did however run his best times ever in the 1600m and 3200m.
Our routine also now has changed. Mornings I usually took 15 min while the kids finished getting ready to pop up to Moms house to check on her, this was no longer necessary. In the evenings now I have to stop and feed her dog until we can find a new home for him. I also go visit her several nights a week and on weekends. Visits to the gym are quickly becoming a distant memory. I'm not to worried yet as I have been so busy with numerous projects I think I am staying fit.
This weekend brings on a new rather unexpected project. Our rent house (Carrie and Caleb's former home) is vacant. It was left in really bad condition by someone we thought would be a long term tenant and that would look after the house. We had thought we would sell it, but after a closer inspection it needs too many repairs to fetch the price we would like to get so now we need to rent it again. Major cleaning, repairs and some much needed maintenance we hope in a few weeks to get a new tenant. I think it will rent easily enough as there re few rentals available in town at the moment. It was just another problem I didn't need.
The six week grading period was drawing to a close last week. I was worried about Fantu as she was failing science misreably. Her other grades were looking good. I shouldn't have worried. She brought it up. She brought it up higher than last time. We pay the kids $1 for each point they bring their grades up from one 6-week period to the next. Fantu made $32. Abate $24.
Abate also brought home big news this week as he was named to the 2nd -Team All-District Soccer. An Amazing accomplishment for a freshman. Wow am I blessed with these two kids or what?
It has been a time with too much on my plate. I struggle to cope with it all. I got daily calls the first week from the staff at the Meadows as they had questions or needed something reassuring to tell my Mom on something that was worrying her. The kids schedules were their usual hectic crazy times, and home and work kept up the normal(?) demands. I knew I needed to make a dream become reality. Summer vacation. Cloudcroft New Mexico, a cabin in the mountains. Hiking, biking, cooler temps in the middle of summer, time with the kids with no distractions. I booked us a beautiful cabin that backs onto the Lincoln National Forest. The trails are right outside our back door. 9000 ft elevation. I was going to book 5 days, but a special deal allowed me to book 7. A week in the mountains and just a short 30 minute drive the desert of White Sands. I immediately relaxed, I felt calm. I will be in heaven, I will be in the clouds.
On April 10th she was wheeled down from her hospital room to her new room (her new home) at The Meadows. I could tell she was impressed with what she saw. It really is a nice facility. It is operated by the hospital and is spotless. The staff are all so nice and helpful. They do so much to make the transition easy and to take the burden of care off the family.
I had spent the morning bringing items from her home to decorate and make her feel more at ease. Photos, art, knick-knacks and a quilt her mother made. She smiled as she saw these things.
She has now been there for ten days. She looks better than she has looked in months. She is eating well, taking her meds when prescribed, she is getting rehab to get her stronger and she has people all around her to talk to. They have activities everyday, she is having fun. I don't think she could tell you the last time she had fun. She seems content, content that this will be her final home.
I had to miss two days of work to get Mom all registered, moved and settled at The Meadows. Returning to work I found a disaster on my desk and piles of work waiting. Nothing had been done in my absence. I was not impressed. One of the things I have discussed with my employers is that there should always be someone (if not several) trained to step in and do your job when a crisis arises. The last thing I had on my mind during those two days was work and what would be waiting when I came back. I didn't expect them to do everything, they do have their own jobs to do too. But just the basic necessary tasks had not been done. I really didn't need the stress. I worked my arse off and did get mostly caught up by Friday 5:00 pm.
During the week Abate also had the district track meet, I did not make it, he did not qualify for Regionals. He did however run his best times ever in the 1600m and 3200m.
Our routine also now has changed. Mornings I usually took 15 min while the kids finished getting ready to pop up to Moms house to check on her, this was no longer necessary. In the evenings now I have to stop and feed her dog until we can find a new home for him. I also go visit her several nights a week and on weekends. Visits to the gym are quickly becoming a distant memory. I'm not to worried yet as I have been so busy with numerous projects I think I am staying fit.
This weekend brings on a new rather unexpected project. Our rent house (Carrie and Caleb's former home) is vacant. It was left in really bad condition by someone we thought would be a long term tenant and that would look after the house. We had thought we would sell it, but after a closer inspection it needs too many repairs to fetch the price we would like to get so now we need to rent it again. Major cleaning, repairs and some much needed maintenance we hope in a few weeks to get a new tenant. I think it will rent easily enough as there re few rentals available in town at the moment. It was just another problem I didn't need.
The six week grading period was drawing to a close last week. I was worried about Fantu as she was failing science misreably. Her other grades were looking good. I shouldn't have worried. She brought it up. She brought it up higher than last time. We pay the kids $1 for each point they bring their grades up from one 6-week period to the next. Fantu made $32. Abate $24.
Abate also brought home big news this week as he was named to the 2nd -Team All-District Soccer. An Amazing accomplishment for a freshman. Wow am I blessed with these two kids or what?
It has been a time with too much on my plate. I struggle to cope with it all. I got daily calls the first week from the staff at the Meadows as they had questions or needed something reassuring to tell my Mom on something that was worrying her. The kids schedules were their usual hectic crazy times, and home and work kept up the normal(?) demands. I knew I needed to make a dream become reality. Summer vacation. Cloudcroft New Mexico, a cabin in the mountains. Hiking, biking, cooler temps in the middle of summer, time with the kids with no distractions. I booked us a beautiful cabin that backs onto the Lincoln National Forest. The trails are right outside our back door. 9000 ft elevation. I was going to book 5 days, but a special deal allowed me to book 7. A week in the mountains and just a short 30 minute drive the desert of White Sands. I immediately relaxed, I felt calm. I will be in heaven, I will be in the clouds.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Hopping Down the Bunny Trail
Sunday Morning 1:00 am this has been one helluva week.
Monday morning Abate got up in a foul mood. I managed to get him off to school before committing an unlawful act ( parents of teens I'm sure you understand). It left me a bit stressed going into work. Work not a bad week. One of my co-workers seems to have a complaint about something that at the core of the problem is the fact that she has had and has a number of days scheduled off work. Boss and I were feeling a bit like we were being thrown under the bus. The rest of the work week went well, it helped having Good Friday off for a paid holiday. As for the teenage boy it didn't get any better. By Wednesday I had had it (no I didn't break any laws) I instead went to DAD. I called in the reinforcements. The rudeness, disrespect, arguments etc. were dealt with hard and fast – Grounded for the whole 4-day Easter School Holiday. I get home from work I have a super depressed son, in tears but will not talk to me. I try and try to get him to open up to me. Nothing, Nada, Zilch. I send him on to bed. I am worried about him.
11:00 pm Wednesday night, I am awakened from a light sleep to a soft knock at the front door. I know before I answer it is the police. I also know it has something probably to do with my Mom ( I must admit though for a split second I wondered if boy teen had sneaked out and was picked up). It was my Mom, she had fallen , didn't appear injured but they needed me to come up to her house. She fell right beside her bed, she is now too weak to get herself back up. She was uninjured, I just had to sign some papers showing that she had refused to be transported to the hospital. I made sure she was safe back in bed and would be by to check on her in the morn. When I stopped in the next morn at 6:45 she was sleeping soundly. I knew though from this event it was time to place her in a nursing home. I made the calls later that afternoon to get the ball rolling. I had to see what I would need to do and to get prepared. I felt I had a few weeks to ease everyone into the idea and to prepare her. I talked to my sister, she agreed the time had come. I called and talked to the nicer of the two facilities in Gatesville, they have a place for her. I gave her what information I had. I would begin to get the things I needed to. I would in the coming weeks have to tell my Mom she would leave her home of nearly 31 years and go into a nursing home ( aka waiting for god living arrangements – purgatory on earth). How could I do it? I tried to picture myself in her shoes. Would I be ready for this near final stage in my life? Would I be emotionally ready to handle knowing that I was entering this place – my final home to spend my final days? Would I feel like I was being abandoned by my family or know that they did this because they were concerned for my safety. How would I feel? But I knew this was the only option left. I am not physically, emotionally or economically able to look after her on the level that she now requires. She is not able to financially able to pay for the full time care she now requires to stay in her home. Only this one option. But I would have time to ease her into this, Right?
While I am dealing with this I am also dealing with boy teen trying to negotiate his grounding. So in order to regain some of his freedom over the weekend he had to do some chores that he normally would earn extra money for. Mow the yard, clean out the garage. He also has to sleep in his own bed and be home by 11:30. He also has to buy his Mom flowers and be sweet, loving, respectful, and no moaning, arguments or other cranky typical teen behavior.
My head is wrecked.
Friday..... I stop in and check on Mom, she is doing fine. Then I;m off to my yearly physical with the best Doctor ever. It went well as I've no complaints that would be beyond normal for 53 yo female, actually I usually have less, as he brags on my health and physical condition each year – wishes he had more patients like me. This was the 3rd year in a row that my ( this is appts. By me – for me) only trip to the Doctor was my yearly physical. He did order a cholesterol blood test as I haven't had one in about 10 years and it was borderline high then ( hereditary not dietary). I should hear something back later in the week. At 1:00 pm I had my appt for my yearly mammogram. Never a pleasant experience but one I never miss. I don't suspect any problems, but I have scar tissue from a previous biopsy that every few years requires that I return for a closer look diagnostic biopsy. I don't get nervous now when I have to return, but omg how terrified was I 8 years ago when I was called back in for one after they spotted micro-calcification’s in my routine mammogram. It's those same micro-calcification’s that keep me faithful to that yearly boobie smashing.
After this was completed – oh how the boobies hurt Fantu and I went to lunch at Chuy's. One of my favorite Mexican food restaurants on the planet. Great lunch and I was feeling better. A quick shopping trip after to get Fantu a cute Easter outfit and we were on our way to see what the results were from her MRI she had on Wednesday ( it was supposed to be on Mon. but it didn't- don't ask – just more stress). So anyway the MRI showed that she does not require surgery – yay! It also showed that she does have the same Discoid Lateral Minuscus that was in her left knee. It currently shows a bit of wearing down between the joint but there are no tears at this time. So what does that mean? Will it eventually tear – maybe, well more than likely. But it may not, she may go for years without anything more than an occasional ache or pain. There really isn't any way to know. So we watch... we wait... we hope for the best. We then drive a forty minute drive from Waco to temple to meet Carrie. We are getting Caleb for the weekend. We are all excited, bug(his nickname) infestation! We return home, Fantu has a friend over for the night, Abate has a hot date with his girl – Sydnee. Pizza Hut for dinner and asleep just after 10. 1:00 am... thump.. thud... waaaaaahhhh, Caleb fell out of bed. He was sleeping with me. I jump up but almost before I can reach him Fantu comes flying in scoops him up and whisks him away to her room and to her bed. Nurse Fantu.
Saturday Morning... a full day ahead. I need to get groceries bought, go to Walmart and get a few things including a new pair of shoes for Caleb. Do laundry, help Abate clean out garage, edge the grass along the walk and driveway and then take the kids out for pictures in the bluebonnets and then dye and decorate Easter eggs.
8:30 head to grocery store, an hour later return home put it all away and start the laundry. Go out and get busy in the garden. Get the sidewalk and driveway all nicely edged and put the water sprinkler on for a short spell. I then help Abate clean out the garage. Remember all those decorations from Fantus birthday back in January – Disco party? Well they were still up. All the crap to go to the recycling center (at least a months worth) was piled everywhere. I helped direct him to what needed to be done and helped him when the job required it. It took about 90 minutes. It's better. It's not perfect because the recycling center was closed today. I really need to get some bins sorted out back so we can get this mess out of the garage. But at least it was organized. We could see the floor again.
Next thing to do – Walmart, Abate ready and off to the car. Caleb needs his shoes put on. Just as I finish I hear sirens coming close. As I step out to go to the car I see a police car fly up the street. Mom? Mom...I just know. Abate says no. wheres the ambulance... it has to come from across town, the police are closer, they always arrive first. “Lets go Mom” says Abate, I reply let me just drive up the street and be sure . So we go. As we near we see the police car stopped in front of her house. She is laying on the ramp leading from her door the the front walk. She is still,she is bleeding from a small cut above her eye. She has fallen again. 2nd time in a week. 3rd time in less than 3. She's says she is okay, no arguments this time... hospital bound. Fantu even comes up. She was out walking with her friends when she say the police then ambulance, she knew it was grandma.
I sent the kids on home and told them to stay there. Since I had bought groceries there was food for them to eat. I knew I would be hours up at the hospital. I knew too that Mom would not be returning home, this was the straw that broke the camels back... she would be going from the hospital to the nursing home. She cannot live alone any longer. My heart sank for her.
At the hospital I got her signed in. I discussed the events with the nurses and let them know I would need to speak in private with the doctor. He came in, he quickly checked her out, he then told her she really needed to be in an assisted living facility. She was not able to be on her own. I hadn't said a word to him yet but it was as if he knew what I had known for weeks. When he was done I asked to speak with him privately. We stepped out into the hall. I told him of my concerns in recent weeks, how I had already called The Meadows nursing home and started the early arrangements. I asked him to admit her overnight or two to the hospital ( I knew I was not able to look after her with the house full of kids and Alan out on the road). He agreed. He took the opportunity to do additional tests, to see if there may be more to this recent deterioration in her condition. X-rays, Blood, Urine and EKG were ordered. The techs trickled in. Hours ticked by. Finally the doctor stops in, they are admitting her to the hospital. Her blood work showed the presence of an enzyme that is only present after a heart attack. Her EKG was normal, she hasn't shown any signs of a heart attack or has she? After a bit of time I recall after her fall few weeks ago she complained for a day or so of how her chest hurt all the way thru from her breast to her back. I thought the pain was related to her fall. Now I wonder? I mention this to the doctor, he I just as unsure about it as I am.
Mom starts talking about getting more help in to help out in the morning. Maybe someone in for a few hours. She has had Kathy in every Mon- Fri afternoon plus she takes her to the Doctors and shopping for the past 3 years. She hopes that this will be what she needs to stay at home for a bit longer. I have to tell her no. I'm sorry Mom but it is not enough. You need someone 24/7. it would cost a crazy amount of money to do this. She will need to go to The Meadows. I see tears in her eyes. I try not to show mine. These I will save for later.... for now, as I write. I know that she has seen this coming. I know that this is not a surprise to her. But this does not make it any easier. I also know that in her eyes I will be the one that said “ Mom you cannot live at home, you must go wait for god.
I soon prepare to head home and check on the kids. I will stop by Moms and check on her Dog. I also need to pack her a suitcase. I walk into her house, a house she and my dad moved in to the week before I gave birth to Trevor. My son who died 10 years ago this June. 31 years he would be on 6-30-12. This is the house her and my dad shared for 25 years until his death over 5 years ago. This is the house I watched all their family gather, the grand kids play, holidays celebrated, deaths mourned. This house suddenly felt so empty.
I eventually made it to Walmart and got Caleb some new shoes, the dogs their food and coffee for us adults. Fantu got her some beef jerky to eat at midnight as the lenten fast ended. Her and I abstained from meat during the 40 days. I had planned on making a quiche for dinner, it was now well past 8, I picked up Taco Bell. I was wrecked both emotionally and physically. The day I had planned on spending with my kids and grandson were now just a passing thought. I feel sadness for the lost time I missed with them. The childhood holidays I have with them are so few as they grow up too quickly. I am also blessed with them as they so easily understood the pain that this day brought to their Grandma and mom.
Now as Saturday passes into Sunday Abate and Fantu wander in and out as I write. Fantu cried with me and Abate came in and brought great laughter. Fantu soon joined in as we laughed about the joys of being a teenager. Life going up and down just like the Easter bunny hopping along the trail.
Monday morning Abate got up in a foul mood. I managed to get him off to school before committing an unlawful act ( parents of teens I'm sure you understand). It left me a bit stressed going into work. Work not a bad week. One of my co-workers seems to have a complaint about something that at the core of the problem is the fact that she has had and has a number of days scheduled off work. Boss and I were feeling a bit like we were being thrown under the bus. The rest of the work week went well, it helped having Good Friday off for a paid holiday. As for the teenage boy it didn't get any better. By Wednesday I had had it (no I didn't break any laws) I instead went to DAD. I called in the reinforcements. The rudeness, disrespect, arguments etc. were dealt with hard and fast – Grounded for the whole 4-day Easter School Holiday. I get home from work I have a super depressed son, in tears but will not talk to me. I try and try to get him to open up to me. Nothing, Nada, Zilch. I send him on to bed. I am worried about him.
11:00 pm Wednesday night, I am awakened from a light sleep to a soft knock at the front door. I know before I answer it is the police. I also know it has something probably to do with my Mom ( I must admit though for a split second I wondered if boy teen had sneaked out and was picked up). It was my Mom, she had fallen , didn't appear injured but they needed me to come up to her house. She fell right beside her bed, she is now too weak to get herself back up. She was uninjured, I just had to sign some papers showing that she had refused to be transported to the hospital. I made sure she was safe back in bed and would be by to check on her in the morn. When I stopped in the next morn at 6:45 she was sleeping soundly. I knew though from this event it was time to place her in a nursing home. I made the calls later that afternoon to get the ball rolling. I had to see what I would need to do and to get prepared. I felt I had a few weeks to ease everyone into the idea and to prepare her. I talked to my sister, she agreed the time had come. I called and talked to the nicer of the two facilities in Gatesville, they have a place for her. I gave her what information I had. I would begin to get the things I needed to. I would in the coming weeks have to tell my Mom she would leave her home of nearly 31 years and go into a nursing home ( aka waiting for god living arrangements – purgatory on earth). How could I do it? I tried to picture myself in her shoes. Would I be ready for this near final stage in my life? Would I be emotionally ready to handle knowing that I was entering this place – my final home to spend my final days? Would I feel like I was being abandoned by my family or know that they did this because they were concerned for my safety. How would I feel? But I knew this was the only option left. I am not physically, emotionally or economically able to look after her on the level that she now requires. She is not able to financially able to pay for the full time care she now requires to stay in her home. Only this one option. But I would have time to ease her into this, Right?
While I am dealing with this I am also dealing with boy teen trying to negotiate his grounding. So in order to regain some of his freedom over the weekend he had to do some chores that he normally would earn extra money for. Mow the yard, clean out the garage. He also has to sleep in his own bed and be home by 11:30. He also has to buy his Mom flowers and be sweet, loving, respectful, and no moaning, arguments or other cranky typical teen behavior.
My head is wrecked.
Friday..... I stop in and check on Mom, she is doing fine. Then I;m off to my yearly physical with the best Doctor ever. It went well as I've no complaints that would be beyond normal for 53 yo female, actually I usually have less, as he brags on my health and physical condition each year – wishes he had more patients like me. This was the 3rd year in a row that my ( this is appts. By me – for me) only trip to the Doctor was my yearly physical. He did order a cholesterol blood test as I haven't had one in about 10 years and it was borderline high then ( hereditary not dietary). I should hear something back later in the week. At 1:00 pm I had my appt for my yearly mammogram. Never a pleasant experience but one I never miss. I don't suspect any problems, but I have scar tissue from a previous biopsy that every few years requires that I return for a closer look diagnostic biopsy. I don't get nervous now when I have to return, but omg how terrified was I 8 years ago when I was called back in for one after they spotted micro-calcification’s in my routine mammogram. It's those same micro-calcification’s that keep me faithful to that yearly boobie smashing.
After this was completed – oh how the boobies hurt Fantu and I went to lunch at Chuy's. One of my favorite Mexican food restaurants on the planet. Great lunch and I was feeling better. A quick shopping trip after to get Fantu a cute Easter outfit and we were on our way to see what the results were from her MRI she had on Wednesday ( it was supposed to be on Mon. but it didn't- don't ask – just more stress). So anyway the MRI showed that she does not require surgery – yay! It also showed that she does have the same Discoid Lateral Minuscus that was in her left knee. It currently shows a bit of wearing down between the joint but there are no tears at this time. So what does that mean? Will it eventually tear – maybe, well more than likely. But it may not, she may go for years without anything more than an occasional ache or pain. There really isn't any way to know. So we watch... we wait... we hope for the best. We then drive a forty minute drive from Waco to temple to meet Carrie. We are getting Caleb for the weekend. We are all excited, bug(his nickname) infestation! We return home, Fantu has a friend over for the night, Abate has a hot date with his girl – Sydnee. Pizza Hut for dinner and asleep just after 10. 1:00 am... thump.. thud... waaaaaahhhh, Caleb fell out of bed. He was sleeping with me. I jump up but almost before I can reach him Fantu comes flying in scoops him up and whisks him away to her room and to her bed. Nurse Fantu.
Saturday Morning... a full day ahead. I need to get groceries bought, go to Walmart and get a few things including a new pair of shoes for Caleb. Do laundry, help Abate clean out garage, edge the grass along the walk and driveway and then take the kids out for pictures in the bluebonnets and then dye and decorate Easter eggs.
8:30 head to grocery store, an hour later return home put it all away and start the laundry. Go out and get busy in the garden. Get the sidewalk and driveway all nicely edged and put the water sprinkler on for a short spell. I then help Abate clean out the garage. Remember all those decorations from Fantus birthday back in January – Disco party? Well they were still up. All the crap to go to the recycling center (at least a months worth) was piled everywhere. I helped direct him to what needed to be done and helped him when the job required it. It took about 90 minutes. It's better. It's not perfect because the recycling center was closed today. I really need to get some bins sorted out back so we can get this mess out of the garage. But at least it was organized. We could see the floor again.
Next thing to do – Walmart, Abate ready and off to the car. Caleb needs his shoes put on. Just as I finish I hear sirens coming close. As I step out to go to the car I see a police car fly up the street. Mom? Mom...I just know. Abate says no. wheres the ambulance... it has to come from across town, the police are closer, they always arrive first. “Lets go Mom” says Abate, I reply let me just drive up the street and be sure . So we go. As we near we see the police car stopped in front of her house. She is laying on the ramp leading from her door the the front walk. She is still,she is bleeding from a small cut above her eye. She has fallen again. 2nd time in a week. 3rd time in less than 3. She's says she is okay, no arguments this time... hospital bound. Fantu even comes up. She was out walking with her friends when she say the police then ambulance, she knew it was grandma.
I sent the kids on home and told them to stay there. Since I had bought groceries there was food for them to eat. I knew I would be hours up at the hospital. I knew too that Mom would not be returning home, this was the straw that broke the camels back... she would be going from the hospital to the nursing home. She cannot live alone any longer. My heart sank for her.
At the hospital I got her signed in. I discussed the events with the nurses and let them know I would need to speak in private with the doctor. He came in, he quickly checked her out, he then told her she really needed to be in an assisted living facility. She was not able to be on her own. I hadn't said a word to him yet but it was as if he knew what I had known for weeks. When he was done I asked to speak with him privately. We stepped out into the hall. I told him of my concerns in recent weeks, how I had already called The Meadows nursing home and started the early arrangements. I asked him to admit her overnight or two to the hospital ( I knew I was not able to look after her with the house full of kids and Alan out on the road). He agreed. He took the opportunity to do additional tests, to see if there may be more to this recent deterioration in her condition. X-rays, Blood, Urine and EKG were ordered. The techs trickled in. Hours ticked by. Finally the doctor stops in, they are admitting her to the hospital. Her blood work showed the presence of an enzyme that is only present after a heart attack. Her EKG was normal, she hasn't shown any signs of a heart attack or has she? After a bit of time I recall after her fall few weeks ago she complained for a day or so of how her chest hurt all the way thru from her breast to her back. I thought the pain was related to her fall. Now I wonder? I mention this to the doctor, he I just as unsure about it as I am.
Mom starts talking about getting more help in to help out in the morning. Maybe someone in for a few hours. She has had Kathy in every Mon- Fri afternoon plus she takes her to the Doctors and shopping for the past 3 years. She hopes that this will be what she needs to stay at home for a bit longer. I have to tell her no. I'm sorry Mom but it is not enough. You need someone 24/7. it would cost a crazy amount of money to do this. She will need to go to The Meadows. I see tears in her eyes. I try not to show mine. These I will save for later.... for now, as I write. I know that she has seen this coming. I know that this is not a surprise to her. But this does not make it any easier. I also know that in her eyes I will be the one that said “ Mom you cannot live at home, you must go wait for god.
I soon prepare to head home and check on the kids. I will stop by Moms and check on her Dog. I also need to pack her a suitcase. I walk into her house, a house she and my dad moved in to the week before I gave birth to Trevor. My son who died 10 years ago this June. 31 years he would be on 6-30-12. This is the house her and my dad shared for 25 years until his death over 5 years ago. This is the house I watched all their family gather, the grand kids play, holidays celebrated, deaths mourned. This house suddenly felt so empty.
I eventually made it to Walmart and got Caleb some new shoes, the dogs their food and coffee for us adults. Fantu got her some beef jerky to eat at midnight as the lenten fast ended. Her and I abstained from meat during the 40 days. I had planned on making a quiche for dinner, it was now well past 8, I picked up Taco Bell. I was wrecked both emotionally and physically. The day I had planned on spending with my kids and grandson were now just a passing thought. I feel sadness for the lost time I missed with them. The childhood holidays I have with them are so few as they grow up too quickly. I am also blessed with them as they so easily understood the pain that this day brought to their Grandma and mom.
Now as Saturday passes into Sunday Abate and Fantu wander in and out as I write. Fantu cried with me and Abate came in and brought great laughter. Fantu soon joined in as we laughed about the joys of being a teenager. Life going up and down just like the Easter bunny hopping along the trail.
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