Definitions of a Parent

Abate and Fantu have their ideas of what a parent is, and should do. This doesn't always align with what type of parent I am, and the things I do.

I try to put myself in their shoes. They had little experience with being parented by Mom and Dad. They were cared for by an Aunt and Uncle - but I can see that there wasn't a deep bond in that relationship. What gave them the ideas of what parents and family are like? Television. American television and movies that they viewed on DVD. Oh boy, too many perfect families, living in perfect houses, with problems solved in less than 30 minutes. When Mom or Dad get angry usually a joke is made and the laugh tract cranks up. It's not real, it's not realistic.



I can understand that they expect to be the center of our lives. Most children do. But in their eyes we wanted them, we purposely picked them and brought them into our family. So shouldn't we want to spend all our time with them, spoil them, give them a life they dream of? Our role as a parent, is to love, protect, meet their needs and to prepare them to one day go out and make their way in this world. We have to educate them to be a successful adult and to achieve their own dreams. If we were to spoil them, do everything for them, they wouldn't learn the skills they need to live independently.



Saturday evening Alan and I were planning dinner out, just the two of us. This would be the first time in over 20 months that we would go out to eat without the kids. This did not go down with them. I had to bribe Abate with a trip to Academy for new track cleats. Fantu also got new ones. But she was still resisting. Finally she relented and granted us permission to go out to dinner alone. I thanked her for that and wondered how many other parents have this much trouble trying to plan a evening out. I fixed an Ethiopian meal for them before we headed out on a 90 minute date. Dinner and wine, and oh yes adult conversation. On the way home a stop at Dairy Queen to pick up Blizzards for the kids. They were watching TV when we arrived home and seemed to enjoy their evening to themselves. I'm thinking we may get to do this again before another 20 months passes.



Something I have been struggling with lately has been the kids (mainly the boy child) wanting to be waited on constantly. Asking for help with homework, then trying to get me to do it for him - No. Paying his sister to do the dishes when it's his turn, well that's not going to last long since he wants to save for a nice IPOD. Mom's taxi is expected to be ready to roll 24/7 with only minutes to get somewhere. I'm trying to teach them that trips need to be planned and driving kept to a minimum. I'm not having much luck. But our biggest battle lately is the expectation that I run a 24/7 grill and snack bar that only I know how to operate. I know they both know their way around a kitchen. They know where everything is kept. And they can cook, Fantu quite well. But one certain child thinks it's Mom's job to feed him whenever he is hungry. I try to get him into the kitchen and help with the preparation, but he just moans. Sunday night he would not get off the sofa and fix himself a sandwich even though he had been complaining for an hour that he was hungry. I offered to go help and get out the things he's need to make it. He didn't budge. So I put everything away and sent him off to bed. He was not happy.

On Monday his dad had a talk with him about not expecting his Mom to be a servant. If he's hungry go fix a sandwich, or find something to eat. He's 14 years old now and he has to learn these things. I discussed this again with him last evening. I am not being lazy, I am not being mean. I just need him to learn to do these things for himself. Some day he will leave to go off to college and work. He will have to look after himself. He will need to be independent and it is my job as a parent to make sure he has the skills to do this.

Parents are not servants,

Parents are teachers.